Monday, April 23, 2007
Back from the fleshpots of humiliation
So speed dating... even more punishment than dream f*cking a fat middle-aged mobster and by far more surreal. Also, the women were stuck at their tables without waiters so I lacked the appropriate social lubricant after my complementary glass of Prosecco. Most of the conversations were about as much fun as knitting a sweater out of tapeworms while the strain of trying to act normal in an artificial setting turned me an unbecoming shade of red. I was glad when it was my friend B's turn at my table to start the best conversation of the evening.
Me:[fake introducing myself] Hi, I'm Annie. How are you?
B: I'm B.
Me: Hi, B. Oh god, where did you get the alcohol?! Gimme that!
B: I got an Asian fetish.
Me: And I have an Aryan fetish.
B: Right. See, I'm not so much into breasts. So you'll just be fine.
Me: Do you have any hereditary diseases in your family? Heart attacks? Mental illnesses? Diabetes?
Me: Cancer? Drug addicts?
Me: Good, good. Would you rather have a cat or a dog?
B: If I had to, a cat, but I hate animals.
Me: Oh, me too, except on a plate.
B:[out of character] Oh, that reminds me, my vegan friend invited you to her birthday party next weekend. But you really shouldn't come and it's going to be boring as hell.
Me: That's nice and I would love to come but I'm in Amsterdam that weekend.
B: Phew, I really didn't want you to come anyway.
Me:[back in character] I want your babies!
Among my eleven speed dates:,
a "Dirty Dancing" aficionado,
a painfully earnest (and potentially color blind) boy,
a couple of guys that in my memory have morphed into a single specter of yawn,
a "funny but ugly" guy,
an IT guy that made a gagging sound when I told him what I did for a living
the classic frat douchebag, and
To be fair I admit that I didn't come across as Heidi Klum with Mother Theresa's personality either. I had a little out-of-body experience and saw myself hovering over this stuck up girl that talked too fast and actually listed every single country she has lived in so far.
In the end, I ticked one box on the rating sheet, so stay tuned for next episode when we get to know if the people B and I chose also like us. It'll be all about "Why didn't he want to meet me as well?! It must be because I'm FAT!!"
posted by Bunny at 7:43 PM