Something to look forward to I will be living together with a girl that can distinguish Tupperware from non-premium plastic containers by looking at the surface integrity. Many fun nights await me this year.
Second try I practiced steering and turning which left my arms in a twist each time. The instructor prevented me from denting what looked very much like a tacky-colored Porsche by stepping hard onto his second set of brakes but he shouldn't have bothered. Nothing that is bright pink-colored is worth saving.
First try About two hours ago, I had my first driving class and I'm still psyched. That effect must be related to holding my breath during the whole 45 minutes. Steering and breaking is alright but changing gears is a bit awkward. My maximum speed was 80 km/h and the only thing I hit was a pigeon but it was already lying on the street and quite dead when I drove over it, so I can't be blamed for anything; my karma is still intact.
Here's a little something for you I'm a firm believer of giving embarrassing and/or useless birthday presents in order to mock the concept of birthday celebrations properly. And don't forget that 'gift' is also the German translation for 'poison'. Coincidence?
I was thinking about giving this to TJ on his birthday but he has proven to be a bad friend who deserves no such attention.
When small-talk goes wrong [Party]
Me: Your name must be Jan.
Guy: Why's that?
Me: Because half of our generation is called 'Jan'.
Guy: Hm, and the other half is female... therefore...
Me: Uhm, forget it.
Guy: My name is Olli, btw.
Later on...
Guy [reads the print on my T-shirt]: "Coeur de pirate - Paris". So, have you ever been a pirate?
Me: What?
Guy: Uhm, I mean, have you ever been to Paris?
Never again I planned a dinner for five tonight. Burnt my arm with hot oil. One person canceled, two other came half an hour too late and then the conversation revolved around people they've both known at international schools and South America, two topics that I'm not really interested in.
During the dinner time I kept repeating a Jane Austen quote like a mantra: "It was a delightful visit. Perfect in being much too short."
...
Yeah, I wish.
Thoughts that come up while carrying heavy shit My boyfriend TS has typist's neuritis. Therefore he's unable to lift all those heavy boxes into his new apartment so that I was stuck with the task (thanks to CV for the helping hands, by the way). It's not the first ailment he's afflicted with, he has been plagued by his wisdom teeth, tonsils, nasal sceptum and many more things (that I'm not allowed to disclose). Maybe I should start looking for better genetic material. Please send applications to much.ado@gmx.net.
A rose is a rose? If a child ever has the misfortune of getting named by me I will make sure that it will suffer as much as I have (let's just say that 'Annie' is a nickname). I will choose a name which contains either not enough or too many vowels and which makes it impossible to determine the sex of kid in question by reading his/her name.
But there's still a long way to go before I'll be in the position to exert this cruel power so I'll kill time by getting some inspiration from the internet.
Politically correct automat After getting lost while taking a walk in Mainz to kill time before my train departs, I'm finally back at the train station where they have the crappiest internet automats I've ever seen. You have to throw coins in it to start the connection and the keyboard is almost unusable as I have to type with two fingers in order to apply enough pressure to make the keys work. Then again, it blocks every site that has the word f*** or any of its variants in it (Lolita seems to be a no-no word as well...argh). That means that any blog I want to visit with colloquial language is off limits. What a waste of money. I'd cuss at the machine but I'm afraid that it will disconnect me for using bad words.
Euro-connection I spontaneously decided to flee the constricted life in a small village and therefore will depart to the dazzling city of Strasbourg. There's going to be a reunion with my best friend RP as this is one of the rare occasions that we're on the same continent.
I envisage the scene of our reunion as follows:
We look for each other amidst the crowd of the train station. Then suddenly our eyes meet. RP and I run towards each other with open arms, ready to embrace each other. Then we will spend the rest of the day in a French café drinking café au lait and nibbling on whatever confectionary delights Strasbourg has to offer.
It feels very decadent to travel abroad just for one day but I reason that France isn't really abroad because I don't even have to change money in order to pay for the café au lait.
Nature attacks This summer must come to an end soon. I looked into the kitchen trash can and the little brown thingies that I'd mistaken for sesame turned out to be worms. The heat lets insects and arachnids thrive in an improper manner and I'm tired of scratching the insect bite on my leg. The bite now has the color and shape on a hickey but only Steven Tyler could have created one of such dimensions.
First aid weirdness Today I had a first aid class from 9 a.m. to 2.pm. If I recall my friends’ narratives correctly, first aid class is the most boring ordeal in the process of obtaining a driver’s license but my class turned out to be rather strange than boring. After looking at a diagram, a guy had to lie down because he couldn't stand the sight of blood. During the following five hours he repeatedly lay down again as our teacher talked about the tourniquet, the best treatment for severed fingers and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
In the end, we tried CPR on a special doll which costs 12,000 € and looked like one of the Sims except that it was naked and its extremities were missing. If it had really depended on our attempts at resuscitation, it wouldn't have made it but our teacher let us all pass anyway.
My prediction: The only thing I'll probably ever need from this class is the recovery position. It's not only useful for unconscious people who might swallow their tongue but also for snoring bedmates.
Staying alive After 21 years of not knowing how to drive a car, I finally decided that I need to know how to handle this miraculous piece of technology before I graduate and have a job. Otherwise I will never have time to learn how to drive and I want to enjoy the benefits of a company car if the occasion arises. Therefore I called up a driving school and will take my first theory class on Monday. Do not be afraid - I may have been involved in many bike accidents but I have only hit inanimate objects so far and I will try to keep up the habit of merely being a threat to myself.
It got hearts and a rainbow on it I've found this really appealing T-shirt online and I want it badly.
Why I should buy it: This would be a T-shirt that would make my friends say "This is soooo you" if they saw me wear it. I don't get that often.
Why I won't buy it: I don't have a credit card. Therefore I am unable to buy every crap that I find online. All the excitement of purchasing any clothing will wear off within an hour of trying it on and matching it to every other garment in my possession, so it's not really worth it after all.
Today's insight: Not having a credit card solves many problems in the consumption-oriented Western civilization.
Sugar and spice My new comfort food is steak and rice. It used to be ramen. It has never been ice cream. If I have to choose between chocolate and chips, I'll take the chips. I think I'm not a girl after all.
Progress report I actually completed all but two tasks of my 'to do' list. Of course, it meant getting up at 8:30 a.m. after four hours of sleep but I was compensated by the wonderful feeling of satisfaction when I ticked off the items from this list. I was in such high spirits that I even sang "I feel pretty". Mind you, I even tried to imitate the accent and sang every obnoxious 'la la la la' as loud as I could.
That's why I prefer to be glum. It's a more dignified state of mind.
Letter of revenge Dear people that found my blog over the search engine request "blowjob",
if you're really interested in this stuff, please click the link to Joe's story: "Talk about blowing an opportunity". After reading this you'll never enjoy blowjobs again. Serves you right.
In the heat of the night At the moment my ultimate dream would be a bed made out of an unmeltable ice block. I pity everyone who has romantic ambitions at temperatures which make you choose sleeping positions which prevent your own body parts from touching each other.
Unused space I start to feel agoraphobic. You could fit my whole old apartment in my new bedroom and I don't have much furniture. What shall I do with all the space? I'd be spinning Hula Hoop but I didn't bring one.
Live and let die If I had a heart, I would be mourning over the untimely death of the many trees that I'm currently using to print hundreds of research papers. The only reason I'm doing this frightful deed is that I like to highlight stuff, otherwise I would just read them on screen. For this I deserve to fry in hell (which is probably just a scaled up version of the AC-less computer lab I'm sitting in).
Uses for my pda Another day passed in stupor. Tomorrow I will write up a 'to do' list in order to create an illusion of effectiveness. I will fill it will many small tasks that I'm sure I can handle such as "take a shower", "open window" and "eat ice cream".
The fridge incident I spent an hour cleaning a fridge that smelled like a trash can during a summer strike of the garbagemen. The origin of this olfactory disaster was a couple of once-frozen pizzas that LM (the girl that previously lived in my room and used this fridge) left behind some weeks ago. While wiping off the mold with vinegar-soaked towels, I remembered that LM even had wanted me to pay her money for leaving the fridge in the apartment. I have hated people for lesser things.
"Austin, what do you think about relationships?"
- "Eeeeeh... um.... you know... everything is everything..." Tomorrow I'm moving out again. The change of air will do me good. I'll finally be able to stop watching MTV dismissed. Yesterday two fairly intelligent girls fought over Austin, a complete moron who showed us that a conversation can be more challening than a slice of bread.
Naturally he chose the girl with the boob job.
